songfic - "hear you me" to i live to let you shine

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that
Thought I might get one more chance

"Dear Calvin," I said in my prayers as I laid in the bed, thinking of my brother while I had a conversation with God. I wanted God to send on my message to him. "You can't imagine life on earth. You truly can't. Ever since you've left, wow, you just don't want to know." I had noticed I was whispering this instead of only saying it in my mind, but I continued anyway.

"Life is hard, Cal. Life is really, really hard. Especially for me. I can't imagine how hard it is for Mum. I think Dad is dealing with it the worse. Mum has been sulking and moping, well at least that's what I saw last before I left. Dad was throwing temper tantrums and Julius was trying to continue living a normal life like I was. However, no matter how hard he tried, he was just like Mum and Dad. He was a mixture of them both. Sulking, but angry. Inside, he hid the anger.

What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

"I know running away should've never been the answer. I know you would've been one to stop me instead of encourage. I know you would've been the one to cheer me up and change my thoughts. There is no you walking on this green grass anymore, and this grass is no longer green. There wasn't anyone to stop me, just many to encourage me to pack my things and walk out the door, walk out on my family. There were none to enlighten and cheer me up, and help me solve my confusions and thoughts. However, there were many to anger me even more and add to my never ending list of problems. Why can't you be here right now? It would make things so much better, for all of us.

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

"I hope, very much hope, that you are doing better than we are right now. There is no 'we' anymore, to be quite honest. It's me. I refer to my family as you. Mum and Dad haven't lived up to their titles of, well, 'Mom' and 'Dad' and Julius hasn't lived up to his title of 'Big Brother'. Everything's scattered all over the place, and we're missing too many pieces to even finish the puzzle. My life, as of right now, in my own eyes, isn't worth much. You were the only one keeping me together, keeping me glued in place." I closed my eyes and let the tears streak down. I took a deep breath, before continuing to speak to Calvin in my own head.

"You don't know how much I've gone through in such little time. Well, you probably do know. You have been the only person to know so much about me, yet I've told so little."

So what would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance

"You would be proud of me, before I left, because I did try to help our family. I tried to help them so much, but I'd get treated as if I was a stray dog trying to come in for food. I never wanted to be treated like that, and it was never my intention to make anything worse. You know, you would know of all people, right?" More tears left my eyes as I continued to run these words through my head.

"I have so much to thank you for, but I never got the chance. Why did you have to leave without giving me the opportunity to say goodbye? I knew I never said it enough on daily basis, so why did you let the guilt build on my shoulders, and just leave? I wish you didn't have to go. I wish God would've created an alternate route for you. I wish you would've waited for me. I wish I would've at least gotten a chance to thank you and tell you that I appreciate your presence, your company more than anyone else's. I wish I could've told you that as a brother, you played your role well, and that you deserve much more than me as a sister. I don't think I treated you the best I could, considering I never even got to thank you or say goodbye to you.

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

(May angels lead you in)
May angels lead you in
(May angels lead you in)
May angels lead you in

"But you know what," I wiped the tears away though I knew more were on the way, "I don't think it's goodbye forever. I may have missed my chance, but that's good, right? I didn't need to say goodbye. You never left." I sighed lightly, more tears leaving and drying as I rested my hand on my heart.

"You were here. You are here. Forever. Right? I can feel you. You guide me. Maybe you'll guide me home... but I don't know if it'll happen so soon. I wish you can still be alive, but I'm sure you're alive inside my heart. I know it. I feel it.

And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live

"I still wish you were here. Life would be so much easier with you here, Calvin. Thank you, for so much, Cal, you have no idea. You are the only person worth living for and dying for. I hope you're in your happy place. You told me about your perfect place once. A place with the girl of your dreams, the one you love, a place where God was watching over you.... a place where everything was just peaceful and good, with the deepest blue sky and chirping birds. A place where you and the girl of your dreams would live happy forever. You didn't let go of that place, and I wish I could follow your lead and follow my dreams. Never letting go of my happy place, I think I'll reach it. Just help me a little here."

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

I wiped the remaining tears from my face and felt the cool breeze hit the dry tears. It was cold. I snuggled up in my blanket, and felt the wet pillow. I wiped it once and my eyes rested, tired from all the crying. Calvin will come when I call him, no need to say goodbye. I'll come back when everything's over, no need to worry.

Calvin was in his happy place. Calvin was peaceful, and happy. I must be, too.

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in