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Sunday, September 27, 2009

you're a jerk, i know

Ego is so big, it is consuming the poor boy.

Isn't it funny when that happens? Like what a waste. You're not even that *great* so maybe you can stop being such a fucking drama queen, eh? Thinking you're badass and shit... whoosh, you are a pretty big disgrace.

Moving on from stupid shit,

today was a good day. I love my new best friend, Fralvin. Thanks Abby and Sean ♥

Tomorrow is the big day!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

do me a favor, call me jerk one more time.

Do I deserve it? Meh, maybe. But please don't use me. And I'm not saying I'm some sort of angel but compared to a few people around here, I'll admit that I'm nice. I'm pretty honest. I'm pretty loyal. So don't take advantage of it, because that's fucked up. And just because I am nice, doesn't mean I won't go back and fuck you over as a thank you for fucking me over.

That isn't a threat.

But on the other hand... I think I missed all of the signals you never gave me. There goes my mind again just wishing for something to happen, wishing so hard that I actually think it's happening when it isn't. I'm fucking sorry. I really am.

God, I just feel like breaking down and fucking crying, but I won't let myself. Not this early on in because if I do, how the hell am I gonna survive a whole ten months?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

you swear you're the last thing on my mind

When you pretend and act like nothing has happened, and that nothing is wrong... there is a term for that.


Enough is enough. I'm really getting sick and tired of it all.

Monday, September 21, 2009

true friends stab you in the front, so tell me why my back is aching

It's true what they say.

Your friendships - loyalty, trust, honesty, love - it all gets put to the test once you enter high school. And you know what, sometimes, those friendships end up fading into the background because there isn't enough effort put into it and there isn't enough communication. There just isn't enough. There isn't enough to hold it together, like how it was held together before.

High school pushes you to the limit when it comes to friends. It teaches you lessons after it gives you the test. And it's true when they say that you find out who your true, real friends are in high school, because this is the reality check. High school is the slap in the face.

You realize that people change, sometimes for the worse, and that you might not be able to do anything about it. You realize that people won't stay, even when they promised you that they'd always be there for you. You realize that people will lie to your face and lie behind your back, and the two different sides of them will finally show. You realize that the people you thought were your best friends really aren't. You realize that things fade and end when they do for a reason, and sometimes, letting go is the hardest thing to do. But sometimes, letting go and letting change happen is the only thing saving your life.

Friendships don't last. That's one thing I learned in high school - and I'm only three weeks in.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

please don't make things more difficult than they gotta be

i knew i would see you around. i'm not naive, i'm not stupid, i'm not an idiot. i know that we attend the same school, and it's inevitable. we will, eventually, bump into each other maybe once, twice, more than twice, more than three times, more than four times. and i expected that. i prepared for it. i didn't really care, actually, because i was and i am over you.

but when i see you - once, twice, three times, four times... i believe it's been more than five times already - it isn't just a simple 'hi', 'hello', or a nod or wave or smile. it isn't just like we're both quiet passer by's who would like to get to class. it isn't just silent when we see each other.

it's a 'hey' with a high five. a 'hey' with a 'look at this...'. a 'hey' with a question. a 'hey' with 'how are you?'. a 'hey' with a 'what's new?'. it is a hello, and a conversation. and it lights up sparks in me, like it has always done before. like you have always done before.

and i feel like we're getting back into the same routine again, like a few years ago. and i'm thinking, if i'm over you, why does it matter? why do i care? there is no feeling here. but you can't just suddenly wipe away everything that happened in the past. when you lose somebody - death, or not - they don't fade away in one piece. the pain doesn't heal in one day. you don't suddenly forget them the next day they're gone. it takes time. everything comes back together day by day. but day by day, you start to realize what's really gone, making the healing just that much more painful, that much more longer and that much more slower.

i had only gotten over that a few months ago. and it's all hitting me back, like shit hitting the fan. and it feels good, it does. it feels fine to me. it feels like i'm in a safe zone right now. where you can say hello and strike up a conversation as many times as you'd like, but you will not get to me. i'm still over you.

but i'm afraid that after a while... a little more of this, a little more often... it will get to me. i'm scared that everything i've built up is going to come crashing down on me. i'm scared that you're going to be the one to push that wall and i'm scared of getting hurt again. i won't lie. i am scared of getting hurt again. i don't deserve to be hurt again, and that's what i believe.

part of me wishes you'd leave me alone, but the most of me just wants us to be able to be friends, without restrictions or boundaries. but i know i'm putting most of those restrictions and boundaries up because of my fears. i may be over what happened, i may be over you, but i'm not over all the hurting and the fear.

but i'll be willing to take any chance, any risk with you.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

the realest shit you've ever heard.

it makes me laugh when i read some stuff on people's bios that go a little something like this: "i'm different. i'm unique. i may be [insert age here] but i'm educated. i'm not like every other girl out there, even though you may think so." etc etc and they insert some intelligent ass sounding words here and there to make themselves seem smarter or worth your time, right?

i'm not gonna lie, i used to write shit like that. back when this blogspot never did exist, actually, haha. but i wasn't lying. goddamn, what was i, like eleven, and writing shit like that and i wasn't even lying. but these people, when you meet 'em in real life - they are nothing like you expected. you read the shit they write about themselves, and i understand in our fantasies, we want ourselves to be better and do better and seem better, but shit, you're writing this for the public eye.

and then they meet your fucking whack ass and are so hella disappointed. i'm not going to boost on my profile. i'm not. i re-did it but that's how you'll see me if you ever meet me in real life. i'm not gonna talk as if i have the world's biggest vocab, because i know for a fact that i do not, but i also know that i have a bigger vocab than you do and the shit you write in your stupid ass bio is so disappointing because it ain't true. it's a wall. it's what you put off to be over the what, the inter-friggin'-net?

this post was only written because i was scanning through all these blogspots that people have, you know, because apparently it's popular now in our little area, and EVERY FUCKIN' BIO SAYS THE SAME SHIT. what are you all, getting tips from each other? i bet i'm going to get shot tomorrow morning once i step out but oh well. hop off each other's swag, please? you're not 'real' if you're biting off somebody else. last i heard, that's called being a poser. fake. poser. fake. poser. fake. poser.

oh and quit flooding my home page on facebook with waste shit like "these dumb fake bitches these days, i swear" because you're one of them? LOOOL, i see you're trying to start a trend on talking shit about yourself, but okay, more power to you.

seriously, i'm just sick of these girls acting like they're the shit. these guys actually supporting it and encouraging this fuckery to happen. every girl thinks they're real and that they're the shit, and then they argue. fight. "waste cats" shut the fuuuuuck up.

whatever. as long as you leave me alone.


Friday, September 11, 2009

i'm sorry that....

i'm not willing to dress like a whore to impress you. i'm not willing to throw myself on you. i'm not willing to get down on my knees for you. i'm not willing to expose everything to you. i'm not willing to talk about personal problems with you just yet. i'm not willing to get into your pants. i'm not willing to just talk about sexual stuff. i'm not willing to act like a slut to catch your eye. i'm not willing to act outrageous for your attention. i'm not willing to change for you to love me like the rest of them.

i'm sorry that....

i'm willing to put in time and effort. i'm willing to get to know you. i'm willing to understand you. i'm willing to know the little things that make you who you are. i'm willing to be interested in those basketball games and the car you so wanted. i'm willing to sit down and hold a conversation with you. i'm willing to laugh and share little secrets with you. i'm willing to talk to you about things i'm comfortable with. i'm willing to look you in the eye and tell you that i'm real. i'm willing to tell you that i like you for who you are, and not who you put up to be.

is it so bad to have somebody like that in your life?
because if so, i'm so sorry...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

so, um, errrr...

am i a hypocrite? yeah? well, kiss my ass :)

Monday, September 7, 2009