mini editor !

Get your own Mini Editor from Polyvore

Monday, February 16, 2009

i live to let you shine

Just something I started when I was bored last night.

His name was Mattias. You would think that another person, who was just like you and did the same things as you, could not ever make you a better person – they would only help enhance your experiences. The experiences that you always wanted to escape. However, if you believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, sooner or later, you will reach your destination even if it takes some help from somebody else.

Hope was forever lost, and with each step I took, it seemed another mile away. I kept reminding myself that after the night, a new dawn will break, a new beginning. However, this day seemed never ending, as if I wouldn’t ever reach the start of a new day. I heard my shoes scratch the pavement as I walked, groggy. My phone kept on vibrating and ringing and the caller I.D. said it was Julius. I didn’t understand why Julius cared so much. In fact, he was one of the reasons why I decided to pack my things and leave.

As I walked, I passed by numerous hookers trying to get rides at the corners of the streets, druggies smoking up their marijuana in dark alleys and more than one fight that was taken outside of a bar. The sights weren’t pleasant at all, considering that the hookers would give me dirty looks, the druggies would invite me to smoke with them and fights were so obnoxiously loud. I continued to walk and Julius continued to call.

After about twenty minutes of him calling consecutively, my leg was getting extremely tired of feeling the vibration, and my ears were getting bored of hearing the ringing tone. I took it out of my skirt pocket and snapped it open.

“What is it, Julius?!” I screamed into the speaker.
Julius screamed back at me. “Bloody Christ, you’ve finally picked up!” He sounded angry, not the least bit concerned.
“What if I were the one to call you non-stop for twenty minutes, huh?”
“What if?” He questioned back. “Anyway, that is beside the point. The smart move would be to get your dumbass back home, right now.”
“And what has been running through your mind, you idiot? Never on God’s green earth would I consider it. You honestly think I’d do that?”
He was silent for a minute or two. “Yes, I think you actually would.”
“Oh, you’re funny, Julius.” Sarcasm was like my first language. “You want me to get home, but I highly doubt you’d even get up off your lazy ass to come and find me.”
“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
“No, I actually wouldn’t. You don’t even care, not even a bit. There’s no use, now is there?”
Again, he was silent for a moment. I started to think that I hit him with a bullet when I had said that he didn’t care until he responded coldly. “You know what, to hell with it.”

I couldn’t even answer to him; he had already hung up on me. I took a deep breath, keeping myself from bursting into rage. Furious, I continued to walk until I had reached a motel. I quickly checked in and exhaustedly let myself fall flat on the bed. At least it was comfortable, unlike my mind which was racing with animosity.

Things hadn’t been going well at home with my family ever since my oldest brother, Calvin, died. Sure, it was tragic, but tragic things happened to me all the time. A rough past has stayed with me. Every step, it was walking beside with me just like a weight. The only thing I’m afraid of is that a rough future waits ahead for me.

Calvin was always the star of the show, always the one getting noticed. He was the popular guy who was into sports, but wasn’t a jock. He was the one who got good grades, but wasn’t a nerd. He was the one who was skilled at everything, but never bragged too much. He was the one who was born and raised in France. Raised in an environment where you had to work for everything you had. Respect was earned through the things you did and not through the clothes you wore or the people you hang out with.

On the other hand, Julius was born in England. However he was raised in the States. Morals, values … everything is extremely different. For some reason, Julius was always the tough love kind of brother. He was the one who never approved of any guy. He was the one who was always on your parents’ side if you ever argued with them. He was the one who’s never acted like he loved you in any kind of way. He was the brother you always hated. There were no buts. Favoritism is what it is, and I favored Calvin.

After he died, it was like a big hole was poked through our family. There was a gap in between each of us and it only made itself worse, growing bigger each hour of each day of each month of each year. It tore us apart and stretched us in ways I never thought a loss could.

We were supposed to be family, but at that moment, just days after Calvin’s funeral, it only felt as if we were a bunch of strangers grouped together to live in one house for the rest of our lives. That wasn’t what I had planned out for myself. I had no intentions of living with people who I didn’t know. And that’s what it was. I was living with people I didn’t know.

Experiencing a death of a loved one – not only did it change my family but it also changed my views remarkably on how people can change. Whether it be good or bad, it’s dramatic. Calvin’s death took its toll on all of us. Whenever Calvin pops into mind, I don’t think he would be very proud of where I’m heading, or even worse – where our family has already gone. In all honesty, our family is already gone. Looking back on it now, it seems as if Calvin was the only thing that was keeping our family together. He was the only reason I kept on holding on.

It hasn’t even been five years since his death, and things are slowly but surely falling down even deeper; as if it isn’t already down deep enough. These past two years, all I’ve heard repeatedly was “Analise, you just don’t get it, do you?” or “You’re not even contributing to this family.” Somewhere along those lines. These past two years, I’ve been the only one who’s been dealing with Calvin’s death. These past two years, I’ve been the only one trying to live a normal life. These past two years, I’ve been the only one trying to glue my family back together, but my words and my care aren’t enough to keep them in tact.

I fell asleep that night, crying. I woke up to my dried tears that streamed across my cheeks and an almost dry pillow. I sat up, and tried to remember what exactly had happened last night. I did lock the door, right? No, I didn't, because I rushed out to the room so fast that the woman at the desk didn't have the time to give me one, I thought to myself as I inhaled, smelling the smoke and scent of marijuana. Disturbed by the smell, I grabbed my bag and put on my shoes. I quickly rushed out of the motel room until I hit something hard, almost like brick. I would have fallen if it weren’t for the long arms that had caught me by my back. Confused and dazed, I looked up. I was still tired so my vision wasn’t all that well, but I saw a face of a man. The figure was built – tall and lean. I also saw a shadow of people behind him. I blinked a couple of times to clear my blurry sight.

“Sorry to be bugging you at such an early time.” I saw the man’s lips move, a deep voice coming out of his mouth. His English accent was thick as if he had just come from England the night before.

“Oh, um, no. It’s okay. I’m sorry for having bumped into you.” I blinked a couple more times before my vision had completely cleared. I was right – he was tall and lean. He was built and you could see his muscles through his white t-shirt. He wasn’t the scary type of built though, not the kind you’d see in muscle competitions or anything. He had the deepest blue eyes I had ever seen and it was as if they’d never end. It was all I could stare at before he had interrupted my day dreaming.

“I’m guessing you’re heading out now?” He smiled lightly for a half second, leaving me completely speechless. I had to shake my head to get back into reality.

“Yeah, that I am. I’m sorry, again.” I mumbled, mostly to myself. I half ran out that motel room, passing quickly by his small group of friends and onto the sidewalk. Once I had reached it, I stopped for a moment to catch a breath. I closed my eyes and shook my head at myself.

Unrealistic dreaming was what my mind was made of. Unreal fantasies that I knew could never come true. I always filled my head with untrue expectations and realities and today, it was seriously getting the better of me. I took a glance behind my back, at the motel room, and I noticed him staring at me. His friends had already gone in the room, I had guessed, considering they were no longer behind him. He stood at the doorway, staring at me. I snapped back around and started to walk in a hurry.

No comments: