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Tuesday, November 17, 2009

i wish that you'd come crash into me

every girl deserves the best.

every girl deserves a man who's going to be there for her at her best and at her worst. they deserve a real man who's going to put her first, not second or third or last. they deserve a man who knows what's best for her, and what's best for him, and puts things into perspective. every girl deserves a real man. a real, honest to God, man.

and why they are so hard to find these days, God only knows why. but what i know is that you shouldn't put up with the bullshit or the lies or the fakes walking around. every single piece of bullshit, every single lie and every single fake emotion, feeling and word he speaks and feels and expresses and feeds you - you don't deserve any of it.

get up and leave. don't stress the small. boys are just boys. find them anywhere.

i'm tired of seeing heartbreaks and stressed people and i'm tired of telling my own friends that he isn't worth the pain or the heartbreak, he isn't worth the trouble or the time. and i'm tired of being unacknowledged and ignored, and i'm tired of seeing that same friend go through the same pain, heartbreak, trouble and wasting time with the same waste boy.

you don't deserve bullshit. you are worth so much more.

don't waste time listening to him say 'i love you' when you know that it's meaningless. don't waste time forgiving him everytime he comes crawling back to you because he knows you're whipped. don't waste time telling him 'i love you' when you know you're just another one on his list of things to do. don't waste time trying to get him to change because you can't force change on somebody who doesn't want it.

he's not going to become a better person because of you. as harsh as it sounds, you aren't the reason for his better doings. unless he wants it for himself and for good intentions, he won't change because of you or for you. he wants to do good because he wants to get to you and wants to get in you. get it straight or don't get it at all.

boys like these are easy to find yet they're so hard to pick out. i'm not saying that there are no good men out there, but it's not like they're flashing and you could just pick them out and have them for yourself.

take your time when you're young. your heart is naive and vulnerable and when you come crashing down, best believe that he isn't going to be there to help you get back up and pick up the pieces of your broken heart.

i don't want to tell those same friends and give them advice when they're not going to listen to me. i don't want to watch you fall apart again only to have you go crawling back to him. i don't want to be the one putting your broken heart together because, as much as it sounds like something a good friend would do, i shouldn't have to be doing it in the first place.

you should know you deserve better than some asshole who walks around pretending he feels something for you, when all he feels is his manhood going hard.

please know that you deserve much more and that you are worth so much more, and i don't want to see you crying again.

Monday, November 16, 2009

sing me to sleep tonight.

boys will be boys, girls will be girls.

this means that boys will get over things with time, but it always seems to be less time than girls. this means that girls will overreact and blow things out of proportion. this means that boys will be into sports, cars, and things that girls won't be into. this means that girls will be into makeup, shopping and things that boys won't be into.

but this doesn't mean that you can't get past it and build a strong relationship with one another.

i'm thankful for the few boys in my life that i always can seem to count on, regardless. the friends in my life that are girls, i can trust them with my life, but it's easier to acknowledge them and it's easier to thank them everyday and say 'i love you' and mean it with ease.

but the boys in my life can't go unnoticed. for some reason, they've probably affected me more and have been more reliable than some of the people in my life. especially my best friend, my brother and my other half.

i have to thank him, and today i realized how much he has done for me, even if just subconsciously. he has been there for me through every problem and every down i've ever experienced. he's been there to listen, although sometimes not very well, and has been there to watch me grow and learn from my mistakes.

he lets me make them, and he lets me learn, and he lets me get back up on my feet to be a better person. he has been there through all my faults and has accepted all my flaws and he has been there through all the happiness and has shared them with me.

i know that we'll be friends for a while, and hopefully for the rest of my lifetime and i know that he's the one friend i can count on no matter what, and nothing can truly tear us apart, and nobody can tear us apart.

he deserves more credit than i am giving, and he deserves more attention than i am giving, so here's to you. you're basically my family, and i call you my brother, and even though we're only three and a half months in this new part of our lives, i can't thank you enough for always being there. i prayed that i would never lose you, and i'm glad that i haven't and i plan on keeping it that way. you might not know how much you mean to me, but i know how much you mean to me and i hope that one day you realize how grateful i am to have you in my life.

you've done nothing but be kind and be an amazing friend, and for some odd reason, i feel like no matter what happens, we'll always stay friends. thank you, brother, for everything you've done and i'm sure i'll continue to thank you for the things you'll be doing. i have your back through thick and thin. i promise you this.

i guess high school helps me realize a lot of things, and it also helped me realize who my true friends are. we've overcome a lot through our friendship, and three months in and you've never hesitated to help me through this experience. thanks a bunch. i'll always be here for you like you've been there for me.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

i'm only gonna play the fool one time.

one low blow after another. and the cycle just repeats and repeats.

first, i find out things from people. numerous messages here and there from people that are close to me, people that i'm not that close to and random people, some i don't even know. "did you hear about so and so?" yes, i heard. and i want you to stop reminding me.

second, i find out something that i wasn't exactly searching for. it was accidental, but it was something that somehow meant so much to me. i thought i wasn't serious about you, but i guess i am or at least was. or at least i was getting there. i don't even know anymore.

third, not even a day after the second disappointing thing, i am once again reminded, but this time it's harsh. it's official. it's harsh and it's official and it may be my last reminder, but you know that it's torture when i see you walking around. walking around, with that person, and walking around doing those things.

i get reminded all the time. i get reminded that it's never enough.

that i'm never enough.

and it's difficult to live seeing those people that bring you those reminders every single day. it's difficult to know that the person they enjoy being around and with so much could have been you, if you did this or if you did that.

or if you were them.

and it's difficult to get a reminder every single day that you're not enough. it's difficult to get a subliminal reminder that what you're doing and who you are - it's not enough and never will be.

it may be done subconsciously, but it hurts all the same.

it hurts all the same to know that you're just never going to be enough.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

my heartbeat is growing weak.

the last time i said that i didn't need you and that i was through with you apparently wasn't the last time. but i promise you that i realized some things over the past few weeks that made me see the person you truly are, and i swear to God, this is the last time.

i don't need you in my life. whatever made me think different in the past is making me think that i was clearly blind and dumb then. to honestly believe that i was trying and trying for a good thing is stupid, because i know now that you aren't a good thing. you're not worth my time. you're definitely just not worth it.

you are far from a good person. you are far from something worthy. you are far from something that i need in my life. and if it's taken me this long to realize that, then so be it. i'm just glad that i've finally realized.

i've tried to see the good in you for so long. i've tried to push all the flaws aside, knowing that i have my own as well, and i've tried to get over all the problems that we've been through. i got over them. i overlooked all the mistakes and wrongs. i tried harder each time that we fell through and fell apart. now, i just can't keep trying.

i'm not gonna put in so much effort into something that you don't want to work. i can't see past all the flaws anymore because they're just getting bigger and bigger. there is no more good you. i try so hard to find it but there's just none. and i see now that there was never any to begin with. i realize now that i was lying to myself in the past, probably just wanting an excuse to not be a bad person and leave you.

but you know what, i don't even care anymore. the realest sticks around and they show their true selves when you enter a whole new environment, a whole new place in your life. once we entered high school, it became different. with everyone, of course, but i won't be able to handle and tolerate you anymore. the realest sticks around, yeah, but the fakes shine through. it becomes obvious.

so i'm done wasting time. i'm done trying to be somebody i won't be. i'm done trying to please you and others. it isn't worth it. it never was anyway. i'm just done.

and i hope you realize this. i hope you realize what you've done to me and other people, and what you're still doing to me and other people. i hope you realize it and i hope it sends you on a big guilt trip.

once you realize it, i hope you see that you're no longer do it to me. you can continue to do it to others, but i'm done being part of that crowd. and once you realize it, don't turn around and expect me to listen to you and try to help you out and 'have your back'.

i've walked out on you for the final time. you've already walked out on me, anyway.