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Saturday, December 26, 2009

one step at a time.

you don't love her.

for crying out loud, you haven't been dating the girl for more than what, twenty four hours? so hell no, you don't fucking love her.

you like her. and you've liked her for what, a total of two weeks or something? more or less, who knows, because you don't tell me these things anymore.

so what, i'm quick to judge. who wouldn't judge a relationship that's only lasted about a day and the partners are already saying 'i love you' to each other when they didn't even know each other really existed until about, oh, i don't know, three weeks ago?

you've known each other for four months. i get it. you've liked her for a week or two. i get it. you made your relationship official on christmas day. i get it. and you love her. i don't get it.

whatever, your heart feels what it feels but this, my friend, isn't love. this is what i hate about relationships and why i can understand so many older people call teenagers immature and incapable of being in 'true love' or relationships. because there are certain people who just blurt out 'i love you' for the sake of having something to say, of having something to prove that the relationship is working and going somewhere and will continue to go somewhere.

you can last a whole month without those three words slipping out of your month, i'll tell you that.

don't say it if you don't mean it. you might think you do, but you just like her. a lot. and this whole 'i love her' thing isn't flying. i'm not getting my head around it just yet because you know what? it doesn't make sense to me.

and sure, i sound harsh and i sound like a fucking bitch and i sound judgmental as hell. well, maybe because i am. i'm your best friend, i'm not your fucking shrink. i'm your reality check when you need it. i tell you my opinion when you ask for it. i give you advice when you want it.

i'm not your maid or your fucking mistress who's going to pat you on the back and hand you tissues. though that sounds like the perfect best friend, it isn't. i'm just trying to understand you right now because i haven't been understanding you for the past three weeks.

i know everything last. i find out everything from unimportant and irrelevant resources. i only find out from you once i ask you.

and this might sound hypocritical because of my last post, but these things are really nothing to hide because we see each other almost everyday and you know i'm bound to find out. and if one day, something horrible travels around and i hear word of it from another unimportant and irrelevant source, i really don't know what i'll do.

so yeah, i don't get it. i don't get you right now.

that's all.

live and breath everyday.

To let go isn’t to forget, not to think about, or ignore. It doesn’t leave feelings of anger, jealousy, or regret. Letting go isn’t about winning or losing. It’s not about pride and it’s not about how you appear, and it’s not obsessing or dwelling on the past. Letting go isn’t blocking memories or thinking sad thoughts, and doesn’t leave emptiness, hurt, or sadness. It’s not about giving in or giving up. Letting go isn’t about loss and it’s not about defeat. To let go is to cherish the memories, but to overcome and move on. It is having an open mind & confidence in the future. Letting go is learning and experiencing and growing. To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and made you grow. It’s about all that you have, all that you had, and all that you will soon gain. Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving. Letting go is growing up. It is realizing that the heart can sometimes be the most potent remedy. To let go is to open a door, and to clear a path and set yourself free.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

closest friends get estranged when the status change

"thought i knew you for a minute, now i'm not so sure
so here's to everything coming down to nothing
here's to silence that cuts me to the core
where is this going ? thought i knew for a minute but i don't anymore"


i'm not gonna apologize for doing something that i don't regret doing.
just because it doesn't exactly go on your 'bucket list', or look right in your eyes, i'm not going to apologize for doing it.
things change and people grow up. i wasn't exactly looking to try something new, especially that, and i wasn't going out of my way to get it.
it was an opportunity that came up and you know what? yeah, i never thought i would. but i did. and i don't really give a fuck that it happened because you know what? what's done is done, it's in the past and i already did it.

i'm sorry that i didn't tell you earlier. you weren't exactly the first person i wanted to tell because i knew this was how you were gonna react.
and you know, i didn't tell very many people because i didn't think it was a big deal. at least where i'm growing up, the school i'm in, nobody really botehrs to give two fucks.
it's something you come across and something that you're gonna be around and that maybe something you won't be able to understand because of your school and your new friends.
i told you when i was ready, and i didn't think you'd take it as bad as you did. people might think that your reaction isn't as bad compared to others, but you're the only one who talked to me after in such a degrading way.

i haven't changed. that one thing doesn't affect me as a whole. it doesn't suddenly shape my whole personality, being and life.
just because you didn't expect it from me, cause hell, i didn't expect it from myself either, that doesn't mean that i'm all of a sudden a new person that you're better than.
damn, it'd be one sad world if all the people who haven't tried it looked down on the people who have.
i'm not the stereotype, so don't label me or talk to me like i am. once, twice, sure but i know my limits and i'm not going to fuck up my life, so please don't act like i already have.

you're lucky that i even told you, because i haven't even told one of the very best friends i have. and i'm sure he deserves to know more than you do, and i'm sure that he'll take it way easier than you did.
you're supposed to be my best friend. you don't know how highly i talk of you. and now i feel like, slowly but surely, things are changing.
i'm trying so fucking hard to keep it the way it is or was at least because i don't want to go through this again. i've been through it one too many times and i know i should be used to it by now, but i won't be.
who the fuck is used to their best friend leaving? or going? or not being there anymore?

it isn't my thing, so don't look at me and talk to me and think about only that.
i want you to look at me and talk to me like i'm your best friend.

i'd highly appreciate that.

Monday, December 21, 2009

infinite silence.

but i guess things change
it's funny how someone else's success brings pain.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

thursday, december 3rd, 2009 ... :)

personal entry.


practice tires me out. she made us run a lot, but i guess that's silveira for you, right? we didn't win the game but i wasn't upset... in a sense, i guess, because that team was shit, definitely. but she made us work on blocking and running from net position to free ball position is quite hard. she wants us there faster and faster each time. then after volleyball, i have phys ed, and today we went to the weight room. i'm pretty sliiiick, i won't lie. but i got so tired when i was going to art, i wanted to fall asleep. and i almost did. perspective, really? i learned that in grade four but she makes it seem so hard. it's due tomorrow but i didn't even do anything except for the border. i still need to hand in my choice painting, haha.

lunch wasn't bad. stayed with the girls for a bit then found cassie, and we stole robby's cookie. we finally got christian's attention and when he left to go see us, joey and ian and paul came around. talked for a little while like always till joey left with her, hahahaha. and ian left with paul. then andrew came over. "oh no" loool. then group hug and we left for thirrrd. fourth was pretty boring but i'm doing better in fourth now. i guess i'm trying to focus. an essay worth 95 marks in total, so fml, gonna work hard on that one.

afterschooooool... haha, live! stayed with cassie to watch the basketball game but first we went to her house. changed into her sweats and headed over to pizzapizza for a slice. after that, we walked back to martins and then watched the game. it was pretty fun actually. talking to christian and james and jahmar and diego. lmfao cassie, bob and chung lee/catherine and michelle. ohhhhh dear. after that senior game, we talked to alex mcfarlane (yes ciarra!) and hung out there for a while. me and cassie went to watch a little bit of the junior game but not too much... they were beating them anyway.

saw frank, talked to him for a while, and then didn't wanna walk home alone to cassie's house. we got kwasi to walk with us since he goes that way. stayed until half and then we walked home with kwasi, stewie, james and justin. lmfao kwasi, realtalkssss... i am serious. don't even lie, that was a serious issue i talked about. then he started talking about 'cloudy with a chance of meatballs' and how hungry these guys were. oh dear.

then stayed at cassie's house for a while, stayed for dinner and played around with jacob. had some realtalks ;) i love her off. ♥

hopefully tomorrow's a good day ?


/personal entry.