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Sunday, March 29, 2009

lost and insecure

Please help me, God.
Please help me, Jesus.
Please help me, Lord.
Please help me, Father.

I need to get through this.
This pain, worry... it has to stop.

I need to get through this.
This has to pass.

I pray to you that everything goes in my favour.
I pray to you that you're keeping my life and myself safe.
I pray to you that my heart rests in your hands.
I pray to you to keep me well.

This needs to pass.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

worried, frightened

Expressing feelings through actions.
Then maybe people will understand them better.

Monday, March 23, 2009

sometimes

it's holding on that makes you stronger
and knowing when to let go

Thursday, March 19, 2009

i'm too young to feel this old

"Everyone, somewhere, has a conscience."

I heard this today and thought, no, not everyone.
If everyone had a conscience, the world would be full of peace and harmony.
If everyone had a conscience, the police wouldn't have to wait even a second to find a guilty suspect.

It's unbelievable.The things you say that you want to believe.
Even though it isn't true, you still want it to be.
Why are we trying to put false images in our own heads?


Sometimes, all you really need is someone to smack you and tell you the honest truth.
But sometimes, most of the time...


No one can do that for you.

So you've gotta do it for yourself.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

001. How To Rock It... QUILTED BAG

Lately, I've been too into the quilted shoulder bags. Chanel has many of them, and now other designers and stores have them too such as March Jacobs, Forever 21 and Dorothy Perkins.
I think anyone can look good with this cute bag, but it all depends on what they wear it with, right?

How To Rock It... QUILTED BAG:

17th - vogue try out
17th - vogue try out - by anonyMISS on Polyvore.com

12th - [tkg] on the street, in the cafe
12th - [tkg] on the street, in the cafe - by anonyMISS on Polyvore.com

9th - east meets west society school : diana fleur
9th - east meets west society school : diana fleur - by anonyMISS on Polyvore.com

lauren conrad ; i'm holding loose but ain't letting go
lauren conrad ; i'm holding loose but ain't letting go - by anonyMISS on Polyvore.com

lunch with colour
lunch with colour - by anonyMISS on Polyvore.com


NOTE/TIP: It looks great if you're wearing a skirt or a dress, but not so much if you're wearing jeans.

These quilted bags come in many different colours now, so mix and match!

003. five for the week

sorry this is a bit late, but i was kind of busy all of last week!

March 9th - March 13th:

5. Cold Desert by Kings of Leon

Told me you love me, that I'd never die alone
Hand over your heart, let's go home
Everyone noticed, everyone has seen the signs
I've always been known to cross lines


4. Drugs Or Me by Jimmy Eat World

Keep my heart somewhere drugs don't go
Where the sunshine slows, always keep me close
If only you could see the stranger next to me
You promise, you promise that you're done
But I can't tell you from the drugs


3. Strawberry Swing by Coldplay

Cold, cold water
Bring me round

Now my feet won't touch the ground
Cold, cold water
What you say?
When it's such...
It's such a perfect day



2. Issues by The Saturdays

It's so wrong, boy you keep holding for so long
You empty out my love until it's all gone
You change the words but it's still the same song
I'm tired of the melody


1. Blame It by Jamie Foxx ft. T-Pain

Blame it on the goose
Got you feeling loose
Blame it on patrone
Got you in the zone
Blame it on the a-a-a-a-alcohol

Monday, March 16, 2009

hi guys

say hello to my new MODEL boyfriends


first saw him in march 09 issue of h&m mag
JULIUS BECKERS



i was meh with him but look at that jawline
NILS BUTLER



how u doin
SEAN O'PRY



goodness look at that face
JULIEN QUEVENNE



i'm a little iffy about him but whatev
BLAINE COOK



he has these angles where it's like, holy cow
JAMIE DORNAN



omg y so cute
ADRIAN BOSCH



ahhh!!!! too cute
DANNY SCHWARZ



i love his hair and alot of his shoots are too cute
BOYD HOLBROOK



omg guess why march 09 issue of H&M mag is my fave? CAUSE HE'S IN IT (with Julius Beckers) for like 5 pages. ALLELUIA, HELLO MODEL HUSBAND
MATHIAS LAURIDSEN

Sunday, March 15, 2009

i live to let you shine, five


CHAPTER FIVE – ROAD TO HAPPINESS

The whole afternoon, I was helping the band set up. It wasn’t just BCC that I was helping out, but I was also helping Take Sky, Under Friction and Three Flags and a Tapir. It wasn’t hard work because they were considerate and knew not to give me heavy things like drum sets to carry and set up. I didn’t get paid, which I must admit was a bummer, but I wasn’t expecting to anyways. I spent the whole afternoon with Mattias, and that was enough to make sure that the smile on my face never faded.

By 5:00, the venue was three quarters full. Then time passed, and by the time it was 5:20, it was packed. I ended up getting the best seats in the house, the front row. I got to watch all the bands perform, obviously, and then when BCC came on, I cheered louder than ever. All of the bands were great. I especially liked Take Sky. How ironic – earlier I said I was part of their band. I wish I was. The Blind Color Collective was a breath taker, and when they performed, I understood why they were the headliners. However, Mattias couldn’t stop looking at some girl in the back row. I wondered then if I was just another girl in his to-do list.

The show was over, but many people stayed. They were greeting the band and thanking them, drinking some alcohol and just hanging around. It started to get hot and sweaty. It was clogging up my throat and I couldn’t take the heat and humidity, so I had to step out. I was already sweating, and I wiped off my forehead with the back of my hand. “Goodness gracious.” I whispered. I couldn’t stop thinking about the girl that Mattias was staring at. The worse part was that she was gorgeous.

I leaned against the wall and was deciding whether or not to hitch a cab and go find another motel. I mind slapped myself for ever thinking that getting with Mattias could be reality. I pushed myself off of the wall, and went to the edge of the sidewalk. I raised my hand, waiting for a taxi, until someone grabbed it and pulled it down. I turned around quickly to see who it was, ready to scold them for interfering.

“Are you serious?” I nearly yelled as I turned out.
It was Jonah, from BCC. He spoke with his accent, and raised a brow at me. “Yes?”
“Sorry, Jone. What is it?” I apologized.
He smiled. “It’s cool, mate. Matt’s just been looking for you.”
“Why?” I sighed.
“You don’t want him to?” Jonah had a confused look on his face. Before I could answer, the pretty girl that Mattias kept staring at in the back room came out and was standing behind Jonah. I almost gave her a dirty look, but I had some self-control. He turned around slightly and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Hey, babe.” Now I was the one with the confused face. Jonah turned back to me. “This is me girlfriend Kayla.”
I was stunned for a few seconds but I regained myself. “Hey, I’m Analise.” I smiled at her.
“Hey.” She smiled back.
“This is Matt’s jailbait.” Jonah explained to her with a giggle.
I couldn’t help but laugh too. “Excuse you, I’m legal.”
He turned back to look at me with a grin. “Yeah, yeah, I know you are. Just go back and find Matt, would you?”

I smiled now, and was no longer confused. I no longer wanted a taxi to another motel. The girl that Mattias kept staring at was Jonah’s girlfriend. But why did he keep staring at her? I had myself confused all over again. “Sure thing. Where’s he at?”
“Well come on, then.” He said and gestured for me to follow him.

We made our way back into the venue. We had to cut through crowds just to get to where the rest of the band, including Mattias, was. My heart started to thump and beat faster and harder than ever, it nearly pumped through my chest. I don’t know why I was getting nervous, but I really wanted to grill him down about staring at Kayla. I thought about that for a second, and wondered why I was getting so protective. He wasn’t my boyfriend, not even a hook-up, yet I was more than jealous when I caught him staring at her.

Once we got to the band, everyone started chatting, and Mattias immediately went to me. “There you are.” He said with a grin.

“Yeah, here I am.” I said simply.
He frowned. “Is something wrong?”
I acted like he was crazy, just so he would let this slip. “What? No.”
“You sure?” He asked, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. It nearly gave me goose bumps.
I nodded. “Sure.”
“Well, we’re all going out soon. You’re coming with, right?” He whispered in my ear. I had not the slightest idea why he had to whisper in my ear, but yet again, it nearly gave me goose bumps. I couldn’t say no to that voice, either.

“Sure.” I told him.
He turned around so he was in front of me. He bent his head so his eyes met mine, and I was confused. “Are you sure there’s nothing wrong?” He asked again. His hand was on my chin, holding my face up, and once more, it nearly gave me goose bumps. Why is it that a guy I had just met started to give me chills so suddenly, even if it’s just one little action.

I couldn’t take it anymore, so I laid it out flat. “Do you like Kayla?”
He almost burst out laughing. “What?”
“…What? Just answer it.”
He chuckled lightly before answering me. “No, of course not. That’s my best mate’s girl.”
“So?”
“So, no, I don’t like her.” He smiled at me.
I just sighed and let my arms hang down. “Alright.”
“Is that what was bugging you? You thought I liked Kayla?”
I lied and turned my head to the side, making sure no eye contact was made. “No, I was just wondering.”

His hand went on my cheek while the other still held my chin and he turned my face so that our eyes met. He leaned in and for a short second, he gave me a warm kiss. In that short second, my heart stopped beating and I nearly lost my breath. I definitely lost my train of thought, my anger and my confusion. Everything bad went away.When he pulled away, he still kept eye contact with me, and his eyes were almost sparkling . They looked too sincere, and he had on a slight smile. “The truth is I haven’t stopped thinking about you since the day I bumped into you.” He said, almost in a whisper, and that alone made my heart pound like crazy.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

saturday, march 14th, 2009

I just want someone to tell me the truth.
I just want someone who won't run away, who won't fear the truth.
Because then, maybe I can learn from them.

I just want someone to look me in the eyes and tell me, "No. Not everything will be okay. Everything is never okay and that's how life works. I won't tell you that everything will be okay and that everything is perfect because that is a lie. Perfection is unrealistic, and it is just a boring dream. But things will improve. If not today, then tomorrow. If not tomorrow, the day after that. Or maybe in a week. If not in a week, in a month, or maybe even a year. It won't be easy, and it may not be fun, but it will be better. You will get better. If you're getting better, you can't get any worse."


I just need someone who will stay with me.
I just need someone to learn from, someone who knows that being afraid can only hurt you.
Because then, maybe I can understand more.

I just need someone to look me in the eyes and tell me, "Make your own decisions. Why are you living someone else's life? Why are you trying to live the life that someone else wants you to? Why are you being pushed around and knocked over? Why do you let them do that to you? Stop being a pushover. Start standing your ground. If you keep this going, you are only going to be broken into a million pieces, and you're going to have to watch your life go down the path that you never wanted it to go down. And you know what? It's your fault. You're the only one to blame. Don't point fingers unless yours are clean. So if they aren't, you're the guilty one around here. If you don't want that, then get up on your feet and don't you dare move when someone runs you over. Live for yourself. When you're offered nine lives, then maybe you can live a few for other people, but you only have one. Live it for yourself and for your own decisions."



I just seek someone who will love me with everything they have and more.
I just seek someone who will teach me, someone who knows how to make the right decisions.
Because then, maybe I will be a stronger person.

I just seek someone who can look me in the eyes and tell me, "Don't cry over any boy. Don't cry over any love situation, because most of the time, your tears aren't even worth it, or him. All of the time, your tears won't fix your situation. If you end up crying, well then, make sure you never cry over the same boy again. Don't let him know that you're up all night thinking about what could have been, because guess what you are in his eyes? A rebound. A booty call. You are worth more than that. Stop trying to fall in love with a person who just fell out of love with you. When he realizes what he has let go, it's your turn to move the hell on. Walk down the straight path where he's not in the way, because he's always going to want to hold you back. Don't let him become your definition of love, or the face that you always compare others and new loves to. If you let that happen, then you're losing and he's winning. Love can't take advantage of you. You take advantage of love."

Friday, March 13, 2009

the last people you expect

They'll be the ones to ask you what's wrong.
They'll be the ones who care enough to want to know.
They'll be the ones to listen to you.
They'll be the ones that offer you any advice and help.

They'll be the ones you should never give up.
Or give up on
They'll be the ones you should never take for granted.


They're the ones God has given you for a reason.
Don't let go.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

take three steps forward

If you're where you want to be, don't run away. There won't be a guaranteed path for you. If you're where you want to be, don't give up. You'll only be stronger if you hold on. If you're where you want to be, don't move on. This is where you want to be. Why are you going to go anywhere else?

This is when mind over matter counts.
Self-doubt doesn't.

What matters is that you're happy.
Anybody who cares won't mind.



Image Credit.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

PART 2 - celeb list

Name: Sophia Anna Bush
Age: 26
Seen In: One Tree Hill, Stay Alive, The Hitcher, John Tucker Must Die


Oh my goodness, Sophia Bush. She's a good actor and I don't care what you say. I only followed One Tree Hill for her and the following celebrity, James Lafferty. I mean, I love Brooke Davis! That's all, enough said, hehe.


Name: James Martin Lafferty
Age: 23
Seen In: One Tree Hill, Emeril, S. Darko

James Lafferty, where do I start with thee? Well, I think even though Nathan can big the biggest ass of all time, I still love him. And I love you. Done!


Name: Rachel Sarah Bilson
Age: 27
Seen In: The O.C., Jumper, New York I Love You

This girl with Adam Brody = so much love. This girl with my husband, Hayden Christensen = much more love. I learned to accept it, okay. It took a while, but I did, haha. And I think she's great! I can't ever turn my back on Summer. Plus, she's a big style icon for me.


Name: Gaspard Ulliel
Age: 24
Seen In: Paris Je T'Aime, A Very Long Engagement, Hannibal Rising

Okay guys, please, dream!team is over. And I did not start liking him because of it. (I'm going to be sent very angry letters now, but oh well.) Him in A Very Long Engagement, Le Dernier Jour and Jacquou Le Croquant ... amazing. I really love him as an actor and his face is simply gorgeous. I mean, look at it! Even his scar. And this is the reason why I didn't do it in order of favourites because a bunch of guys would be at the top, and I wouldn't be able to pick between him, Hayden, Jensen, Jared and the list goes on... haha!

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

PART 1 - celeb list

I feel like making this, simply out of boredom. Part 1 of my Four Celebs A Day - Celeb List until I finish them all. This is completely out of order!


Name: Ashley Michele Greene
Age: 22
Seen In: Twilight, Skateland

No, I don't love her because she played "Alice Cullen" in Twilight (please, I did not jump on the bandwagon that late, mmkay. Back in 07 was the time, but as of right now - don't pounce on me - it's not a big deal). I just find her so fashionable (usually) and she seems like such a sincere and kind-hearted girl!


Name: Hayden Christensen
Age: 27
Seen In: Star Wars, Jumper, Life As A House

If you didn't see this coming, then you obviously don't know me. Hayden Christensen has been my religious obsession since day one! If you've ever seen him in Life As A House, you'd know that he acts really well. That movie made me cry, oh my goodness. And no, I did not discover him through "Jumper" because he was the hot main lead (how many times have I gotten that comment?). I knew about him since Life As A House.


Name: Leighton Marissa Claire Meester
Age: 22
Seen In: Gossip Girl, Entourage

Oh my goodness, girl crush much? One of the two reasons I watch Gossip Girl: Leighton and Chace. Reading her spread on Seventeen was pretty inspirational. Her past and family was something so negative but she grew up to be something better and is now doing many positive things. Great actress, amazing role model!


Name: Sam Brody Jenner
Age: 25
Seen In: The Princes Of Malibu, Bromance, The Hills

Everytime I see him on The Hills, I cannot do anything but smile. He makes The Hills just that much more interesting. "You lied to the homies", and stuff like that? Yeah, let's just say he makes my life complete. I'd have him as a best friend in an instant.

Monday, March 9, 2009

i live to let you shine, four




CHAPTER FOUR – SERENDIPITY
Another day, another motel. I wish I hadn’t looked like such a mess. I just wanted to unwind, maybe take a shower considering I haven’t showered in a day. A day seems like nothing, but hygiene is truly key for me. It was a good thing I had packed many comfortable clothes, but stylish as well. Comfortable enough for walking and stylish enough for meeting new people and not getting laughed at and being a noticeably runaway teen.

Meeting new people like that guy I had ran into last night. It’s mind boggling that I didn’t even get a name. How I wish I would’ve. I signed out of the motel, looking for a nice café to have some breakfast and coffee in. I was starving, and obviously this lousy motel wouldn’t help me with my hunger issues.

Surprisingly, a turkey and mayonnaise sandwich with some hot cocoa was good enough to satisfy my hunger. It felt so good going down my throat. I haven’t tasted real food in a while. Once I was done, I stayed seated for a while. Café Beret, I read the name. Talk about super French, I was thinking. I looked around, and saw nothing too interesting to waste my time on, so I left, smiling at the employees while walking out.

I walked out, trying to find something to do. Not really something productive – I knew that would be quite hard to find. I mean, what can I do productive? Try to gain some money? Right, because looking like this and being where I am, I can get a job. I wish. Try to gain some friends? Right, because all I do is bump into people and they think I’m some weird, ditzy girl. I wish. Something’s got to give. I was praying to Calvin.

As I was walking down the street, I took notice of a sign. I was guessing it was a music venue as I read the sign.
THE BLIND COLOR COLLECTIVE – PERFORMING TONIGHT AT 7:30PM! OTHER GUEST PERFORMANCES INCLUDE TAKE SKY, UNDER FRICTION, AND THREE FLAGS AND A TAPIR! SHOW STARTS AT 5:30 SO COME EARLY. $10 AT THE DOOR.”

It looked interesting. I was into bands anyways, and The Blind Color Collective doesn’t sound much of a hip hop group. It sounded more like an indie band if anything. I didn’t care about the time. It was only 2:30, and I’m sure only the employees were here, but it didn’t matter much to me. This way, I was guessing, I didn’t have to pay meaning I didn’t have to waste my precious money.

I walked in casually and looked around. Yup, venue it was. There were people setting up on the stage. So early, I thought, but I guess they were setting up for all four of the bands that were going to perform. I was guessing Take Sky was going to perform first. I’ve been to many shows and concerts before. As I looked around, I saw a big bulletin board with performance schedule. Beautiful! I was right.

“TAKE SKY: 5:30, UNDER FRICTION: 6:10, THREE FLAGS AND A TAPIR: 7:00, THE BLIND COLOR COLLECTIVE: 7:30”.

The Blind Color Collective must really be the highlight of the show. I wondered what made them so important and big to be it. I was wondering what kind of music these bands would play when someone suddenly tapped me on the shoulder.
“Excuse me, miss?” I turned around suddenly and was being stared at by a man who looked a little familiar. “Are you part of one of the bands or what?”
“Am I what, sorry?”
“I’ll just take that as a no.”
I shook my head and made sure my mind was straight. I didn’t want to pay, so I had to come up with something. “What? I’m part of Take Sky.”
The man raised a brow at me. “Of course. Listen, lady, we ain’t gonna kick you out. Just tell us if you’re part of a band. We wanna know who’s hear and who isn’t.”
I felt my cheeks turn a hot red, as well as my ears. “Okay, I’m not. Thanks.” I smiled shyly and the guy smiled back.
“Wait, who are you? Do you work here?” I stopped him mid-step.
He half turned his body to look at me but continued to walk. “I’m part of BCC!” “BCC…” I whispered to myself. “Oh, Blind Color Collective.” I sighed but he was already back on the stage with the rest of his band mates. I took a good look at all of them. They all looked a little familiar, it was scary. But one really stood out. One was the guy that I had bumped into last night.

I turned around to face the board again and dug my face into my hands. Goodness, no, no, no! But oh my, yes, yes, yes! Maybe this will be the night I get to find out his name. I prayed to the Lord that it would work out fine, until I started hearing snickers and giggles from the stage.

“Hey Matt, your girl’s here.” One man laughed. I could tell he was trying to be really quiet, but that obviously wasn’t working. I lifted my head up to listen more closely, and I walked around trying to get as close to the stage as possible.
“Shut up.” Another voice said. I was guessing it was this Matt guy. He sounded a little annoyed. “What girl?” He added, now sounding curious.
“That girl you blocked yesterday with your infinite, stone-like chest.” A different voice said, trying to tease the Matt guy. But I realized that this Matt guy was the guy I had run into yesterday. Beautiful. Just beautiful.
“What?” I took a quick glance around to see his reaction. He stood up, and left the guitar case on the ground and looked around. I rushed to get my face out of sight and nearly hit the wall turning my head around so fast. “And shut up.” He continued.
“Oh, come on. She’s over there, by the way. Blind and stupid. Wonderful.” A different voice said. So many voices, considering they only had four people in their group.
“Shut up, twat.” Matt’s voice said again. I peeked through my hair to see what his next move would be. And what I most feared, his next move was already on the way. On the way to talk to me. Or yell at me. Or ask about me. I don’t know but he was heading my way.
“Hey.” He said in a quiet voice.
I closed my eyes and squeezed them tight, taking a deep breath before turning around. “Hi there. I guess I can leave now.”
He looked surprised. “What?”
“What?”
“Stay.”
“What?” I couldn’t comprehend or say any other word.
He laughed lightly. “Stay.”
“Um, sure.” I felt the blood rush to my cheeks faster than a river’s flow. Great timing, embarrassment and nervousness. Amazing timing.
“What’s your name anyway?” He asked casually.
“Analise.” I said quietly.
He smiled slightly. “Pretty name.”
“Thanks, Matt?” I guessed his name, hoping I was right.
“Mattias, but sure, Matt.” He laughed. “Well, I’m gonna continue setting up. Unless you want to help, I’ll let you be.”
I smiled. “I can help.”

Sunday, March 8, 2009

love controller

There is always one person you love who becomes that definition. It usually happens retrospectively, but it happens eventually. This is the person who unknowingly sets the template for what you will always love about other people, even if some of these loveable qualities are self-destructive and unreasonable. The person who defines your understanding of love is not inherently different than anyone else, and they’re often just the person you happen to meet the first time you really, really, want to love someone. But that person still wins. They win, and you lose. Because for the rest of your life, they will control how you feel about everyone else.

- Chuck Klosterman

Saturday, March 7, 2009

002. five for the week


Here are my five top listened to songs for the week of:
March 2nd - March 6th
So yeah, I do think I'll make this a weekly thing.
It's actually a nice way to keep track of my fave songs! This list for this week is mainly hip-hop and R&B.
Tell me your five of the week!



5. Kiss Me Thru The Phone by Soulja Boy ft. Sammie
Baby, you know that I miss you
I wanna get with you tonight
But I cannot, baby girl, and that's the issue
Girl, you know I miss you
I just wanna kiss you
But I can't right now so baby
Kiss me thru the phone, kiss me thru the phone
I'll see you later on, later on




4. Rockin' That Thing by The Dream

Cameras up, cameras flash
I'm tipsy, tryna relax
I wanna change your name to Mrs. Nash
Cause there's nothing left to say
She rockin' that thing like




3. Cookie Jar by Gym Class Heroes
Want you to be the one
And my only
I want to be faithful
But I can't keep my hands out the cookie jar



2. Broken Hearted Girl by Beyonce

You're the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I'd love to not forgive
And though you break my heart
You're the only one

And though there are times where I hate you
Cause I can't erase
All the times that you hurt me and put tears on my face
Even now while I hate you, it pains me to say
I know I'll be there at the end of the day



1. Move For Me by Kaskade & Deadmau5

Another night out, another dance floor
Move for me, I'll move for you




Some of these songs I've heard long ago. I'm the type to know songs months before they come out tbh, just like how people know bands before they get famous. So Move For Me, Broken Hearted Girl, Cookie Jar ... basically all of these songs I knew before they started to play on the radio.
But now, since they're on the radio, I've listened to them more.


Enjoy!

Friday, March 6, 2009

we'll make it through the storm

I got this image off of WeHeartIt, and I started to look at it more and more. The longer I looked at it, the more it was true.

Your oldest fears, meaning that you've never gotten over them yet. If you haven't faced them, that means they've had time to grow. Depending on how old they are, they could grow buildings tall, or maybe they're still a short grass.

Oldest fears are the worst, especially when they are buildings tall. Considering they are "oldest" fears, they probably are. They're the big ones. They're the scary ones.

We haven't had the courage to face up to them, and if we continue to let them grow, we'll need years and years to grow the courage to size up to them.
Face your fears now. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed. Don't hold yourself back because you're afraid. Do what you want to do TODAY.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

songfic - "hear you me" to i live to let you shine



There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go
I never said thank you for that
Thought I might get one more chance


"Dear Calvin," I said in my prayers as I laid in the bed, thinking of my brother while I had a conversation with God. I wanted God to send on my message to him. "You can't imagine life on earth. You truly can't. Ever since you've left, wow, you just don't want to know." I had noticed I was whispering this instead of only saying it in my mind, but I continued anyway.

"Life is hard, Cal. Life is really, really hard. Especially for me. I can't imagine how hard it is for Mum. I think Dad is dealing with it the worse. Mum has been sulking and moping, well at least that's what I saw last before I left. Dad was throwing temper tantrums and Julius was trying to continue living a normal life like I was. However, no matter how hard he tried, he was just like Mum and Dad. He was a mixture of them both. Sulking, but angry. Inside, he hid the anger.

What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance


"I know running away should've never been the answer. I know you would've been one to stop me instead of encourage. I know you would've been the one to cheer me up and change my thoughts. There is no you walking on this green grass anymore, and this grass is no longer green. There wasn't anyone to stop me, just many to encourage me to pack my things and walk out the door, walk out on my family. There were none to enlighten and cheer me up, and help me solve my confusions and thoughts. However, there were many to anger me even more and add to my never ending list of problems. Why can't you be here right now? It would make things so much better, for all of us.

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in


"I hope, very much hope, that you are doing better than we are right now. There is no 'we' anymore, to be quite honest. It's me. I refer to my family as you. Mum and Dad haven't lived up to their titles of, well, 'Mom' and 'Dad' and Julius hasn't lived up to his title of 'Big Brother'. Everything's scattered all over the place, and we're missing too many pieces to even finish the puzzle. My life, as of right now, in my own eyes, isn't worth much. You were the only one keeping me together, keeping me glued in place." I closed my eyes and let the tears streak down. I took a deep breath, before continuing to speak to Calvin in my own head.

"You don't know how much I've gone through in such little time. Well, you probably do know. You have been the only person to know so much about me, yet I've told so little."

So what would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance


"You would be proud of me, before I left, because I did try to help our family. I tried to help them so much, but I'd get treated as if I was a stray dog trying to come in for food. I never wanted to be treated like that, and it was never my intention to make anything worse. You know, you would know of all people, right?" More tears left my eyes as I continued to run these words through my head.

"I have so much to thank you for, but I never got the chance. Why did you have to leave without giving me the opportunity to say goodbye? I knew I never said it enough on daily basis, so why did you let the guilt build on my shoulders, and just leave? I wish you didn't have to go. I wish God would've created an alternate route for you. I wish you would've waited for me. I wish I would've at least gotten a chance to thank you and tell you that I appreciate your presence, your company more than anyone else's. I wish I could've told you that as a brother, you played your role well, and that you deserve much more than me as a sister. I don't think I treated you the best I could, considering I never even got to thank you or say goodbye to you.

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

(May angels lead you in)
May angels lead you in
(May angels lead you in)
May angels lead you in


"But you know what," I wiped the tears away though I knew more were on the way, "I don't think it's goodbye forever. I may have missed my chance, but that's good, right? I didn't need to say goodbye. You never left." I sighed lightly, more tears leaving and drying as I rested my hand on my heart.

"You were here. You are here. Forever. Right? I can feel you. You guide me. Maybe you'll guide me home... but I don't know if it'll happen so soon. I wish you can still be alive, but I'm sure you're alive inside my heart. I know it. I feel it.

And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you just one more time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it live


"I still wish you were here. Life would be so much easier with you here, Calvin. Thank you, for so much, Cal, you have no idea. You are the only person worth living for and dying for. I hope you're in your happy place. You told me about your perfect place once. A place with the girl of your dreams, the one you love, a place where God was watching over you.... a place where everything was just peaceful and good, with the deepest blue sky and chirping birds. A place where you and the girl of your dreams would live happy forever. You didn't let go of that place, and I wish I could follow your lead and follow my dreams. Never letting go of my happy place, I think I'll reach it. Just help me a little here."

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in


I wiped the remaining tears from my face and felt the cool breeze hit the dry tears. It was cold. I snuggled up in my blanket, and felt the wet pillow. I wiped it once and my eyes rested, tired from all the crying. Calvin will come when I call him, no need to say goodbye. I'll come back when everything's over, no need to worry.

Calvin was in his happy place. Calvin was peaceful, and happy. I must be, too.

May angels lead you in
Hear you me my friends
On sleepless roads the sleepless go
May angels lead you in

Monday, March 2, 2009

001. five for the week


Hey guys. I think I might start this thing where I list my favourite five songs of the week (or songs that I keep listening to for the one week). Whatever, we'll see where I go with it.

This is for the week of February 22nd - 28th (or March 1st), considering today is Monday, second day of March and the week is just starting, so yeah haha.



5. Rise And Shine by Guster

Wake up sweetheart
Rise and shine
There are bones to bury
And bones to find
This place is coming to life


4. That's Not My Name by The Ting Tings

Holding back, everyday's the same
Don't wanna be a loner
Listen to me, oh, no
I never say anything at all

But with nothing to consider,
They forget my name, name, name


3. Use Somebody by Kings Of Leon

I've been roaming around,
I was looking down at all I see
Painted faces fill the places I can't reach
You know that I could use somebody
You know that I could use somebody


2. You Found Me by The Fray

Lost and insecure
You found me, you found me
Lying on the floor
Surrounded, surrounded
Why'd you have to wait?
Where were you, where were you?
Just a little late
You found me, you found me


1. Hear You Me by Jimmy Eat World

So what would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance


May angels lead you in
Hear you me, my friend
On sleepless roads, the sleepless go
May angels lead you in





Those would also be my music recommendations for the week, I suppose. I know "Hear You Me" is old but I couldn't stop listening to it at all!

If you want to check out my playlist, go here: http://www.playlist.com/playlist/15313070603




Photo via WeHeartIt

010. fashion week: model agyness deyn

Model Agyness Deyn at the Mercedes Benz Fashion Week in New York City, walking the runway in Anna Sui.