one low blow after another. and the cycle just repeats and repeats.
first, i find out things from people. numerous messages here and there from people that are close to me, people that i'm not that close to and random people, some i don't even know. "did you hear about so and so?" yes, i heard. and i want you to stop reminding me.
second, i find out something that i wasn't exactly searching for. it was accidental, but it was something that somehow meant so much to me. i thought i wasn't serious about you, but i guess i am or at least was. or at least i was getting there. i don't even know anymore.
third, not even a day after the second disappointing thing, i am once again reminded, but this time it's harsh. it's official. it's harsh and it's official and it may be my last reminder, but you know that it's torture when i see you walking around. walking around, with that person, and walking around doing those things.
i get reminded all the time. i get reminded that it's never enough.
that i'm never enough.
and it's difficult to live seeing those people that bring you those reminders every single day. it's difficult to know that the person they enjoy being around and with so much could have been you, if you did this or if you did that.
or if you were them.
and it's difficult to get a reminder every single day that you're not enough. it's difficult to get a subliminal reminder that what you're doing and who you are - it's not enough and never will be.
it may be done subconsciously, but it hurts all the same.
it hurts all the same to know that you're just never going to be enough.