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Tuesday, September 15, 2009

please don't make things more difficult than they gotta be

i knew i would see you around. i'm not naive, i'm not stupid, i'm not an idiot. i know that we attend the same school, and it's inevitable. we will, eventually, bump into each other maybe once, twice, more than twice, more than three times, more than four times. and i expected that. i prepared for it. i didn't really care, actually, because i was and i am over you.

but when i see you - once, twice, three times, four times... i believe it's been more than five times already - it isn't just a simple 'hi', 'hello', or a nod or wave or smile. it isn't just like we're both quiet passer by's who would like to get to class. it isn't just silent when we see each other.

it's a 'hey' with a high five. a 'hey' with a 'look at this...'. a 'hey' with a question. a 'hey' with 'how are you?'. a 'hey' with a 'what's new?'. it is a hello, and a conversation. and it lights up sparks in me, like it has always done before. like you have always done before.

and i feel like we're getting back into the same routine again, like a few years ago. and i'm thinking, if i'm over you, why does it matter? why do i care? there is no feeling here. but you can't just suddenly wipe away everything that happened in the past. when you lose somebody - death, or not - they don't fade away in one piece. the pain doesn't heal in one day. you don't suddenly forget them the next day they're gone. it takes time. everything comes back together day by day. but day by day, you start to realize what's really gone, making the healing just that much more painful, that much more longer and that much more slower.

i had only gotten over that a few months ago. and it's all hitting me back, like shit hitting the fan. and it feels good, it does. it feels fine to me. it feels like i'm in a safe zone right now. where you can say hello and strike up a conversation as many times as you'd like, but you will not get to me. i'm still over you.

but i'm afraid that after a while... a little more of this, a little more often... it will get to me. i'm scared that everything i've built up is going to come crashing down on me. i'm scared that you're going to be the one to push that wall and i'm scared of getting hurt again. i won't lie. i am scared of getting hurt again. i don't deserve to be hurt again, and that's what i believe.

part of me wishes you'd leave me alone, but the most of me just wants us to be able to be friends, without restrictions or boundaries. but i know i'm putting most of those restrictions and boundaries up because of my fears. i may be over what happened, i may be over you, but i'm not over all the hurting and the fear.

but i'll be willing to take any chance, any risk with you.

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